We say what we say, but they listen what they listen. And in between is the black hole that swallows relationships, money, time and love.
For us, listening is the touchstone of all language phenomena. Speech, being a primarily social phenomenon, is validated in the listening that we obtain against what we say. It is listening that determines the effectiveness of speech and, therefore, one of the skills that the speaker must develop is to take responsibility for listening to the other. In the same way, we also have to take responsibility for listening to others.
The concept of conversational skills allowed us, therefore, to include listening skills. However, it was necessary to go even further. Human beings not only listen to what I tell others, we also hear the silence. We interpret what this can mean and we know, for example, that silence can be even more eloquent than words.
With the distinction of conversational skills we were winning everywhere.”
-Rafael Echeverría, The Distinction of Conversational Competencies
Hearing is different from listening - listening is where meaning is made. 10 people can hear the same thing but listen in 10 different ways because each person is a unique Observer.
We all want to be listened to and to be understood. Deep listening is a skill that is universally useful.
Deep listening requires awareness of your internal state (body, emotions and internal thoughts) as well as being aware of the BEL of the speaker.
- Self-management: build awareness so you are aware of whether you’re caught up in your own thoughts, distracted, coming up with a response, or your own story about what the speaker is saying
- Being present: reschedule the conversation or decline it if you are not able to be fully present (e.g, distracted with other work)
- Notice the BEL of the speaker: “its fine” while appearing stressed / uncomfortable
- Listen for Content and Context
- Listen for care. Listening for an agenda misses what the speaker cares about, so the response does not address the speaker’s concern
- Ask questions:
- Clarifying questions to get more facts
- Questions to find out what the speaker care about, getting to know the human being on the other side
Filters, Discourses and Biases
Our discourse is our way of Communication. E.g, your beliefs, the way you move, how you speak.
A bias is a prejudice in favour or against something. This is not necessarily negative. E.g, a bias to eat healthily, being vegetarian.
A filter is a particular way of seeing the world. E.g, how you see money - spend it now to do things while you still can vs saving it for bigger purchases later.
Bias or filters will affect how you listen and could cause blind spots. Listening well requires self-work to become aware of these things.
Besides being aware of your own biases / discourses / filters, also listen out for those of the speaker.